I am in need of advice from moms that have motherhood all figured out (I know most of us don't have it all figured out but this is being typed up with the hope that there might be).
I have two little kids. They are young. They are needy. After clawing my way through the first few months with two kids, I felt like I had things under control. They were both napping at the same time in the afternoon which helped give me time to do things alone. Sometimes I would do dishes. Sometimes I would read blogs. Sometimes I would nap. Sometimes I would shower. Sometimes I would exercise. I lived everyday for nap time. If I could just make it to 1:00 I would be okay. I was feeling so great that I decided to also wake up early to get a jump start on my day without the little ones. This gave me time to read scriptures, or to shower, or to exercise.
So that was the way it used to be. But now my kids wake up earlier and David won't seem to take his naps anymore. So I'm going to up the ante and wake up at 5:00 to fit in my exercising and shower before the kids get up. I will try to be patient with my toddler that refuses to sleep. I will put them to bed at 8:00 and go to bed myself at 9:00. That gives me one hour alone in the evenings and one hour in the morning before Brian goes to work. This is my schedule everyday. I have no holidays or weekends. I can't leave work. I have no time off. And it is taxing! Does anyone realize how much a mother gives? I know I didn't until I became one.
Mother of many, can you please tell me how you did it? I wanted a big family but after experiencing life with these precious little ones, I don't think I'm selfless enough to do what motherhood requires of me. How do you do it? Teach me so I can face my future with energy and hope and the family size that I wanted so long ago.
15 Phoenix Duplex For Sale
3 years ago
14 comments:
before even clicking on your blog link, when I saw the title of your post I knew I'd be reading something good. Something good and something familiar that I, myself, struggle with. Granted, you actually have it harder than me, but I read this knowing that I'll be there before I know it with #2 on the way. Is the phrase "shoot me" inappropriate?? cause that's how i feel. I have no clue how to do it. In fact I ask myself that question every day, "how in the HE** am I going to do it with 2??" I don't think anybody has ever had an answer for me except "you have no choice, no other options. You just have to do it." Is considering ADOPTION inappropriate either?? Cause that's feeling pretty tempting when things get hard. : ) just joking. I'm obsessed with my babes, as i know you are, too. But seriously, seriously, I have on clue. I admire you and I'll pray for you. Two words, my dear friend: SURVIVAL MODE. That is NOT comforting in the slightest, but at least we know that's how we are able to wake up every morning and multiple times in the night. Oh, and let's not forget our good friend adrenaline. *sigh*.
Oh, and also, NO, nobody else really knows how much a mother sacrifices, not even our husbands. Don't get me wrong, I'm so pro husbands it's not even funny; I would probably die if I didn't have Joe, but let's face it....they just don't know. and if they DO know a little bit of how challenging it is then they're just scratching the tip of the iceberg.
OH, and ONE MORE thing! (sorry, now you've got me going.....) I honestly, truly believe that David's not wanting to sleep is a phase. It HAS to be (at least that's what we tell ourselves just to stay sane. haha). I bet you anything that this stretch of difficulty will be aleviated by a different stretch of another phase that will give you a break or maybe just a well-needed change. As the weather gets nicer and Jack plays outside more I've already started to notice that he sleeps better and longer. I hope that's the same for David. Let's pray for some naps!!!!!
Oh Kayla, this post scares me just a little bit (okay, A LOT!)
The only thing that (somewhat) comforts me is knowing that Heavenly Father blesses us to be able to handle whatever "trials" come our way. Oh boy. I still don't know how it's going to work. I don't know what I'd do without Dennis sometimes. He's so good to come home and just take care of Clara. I love him sooo much for it! I bet Brian is like that too... For the very little time that you get to spend with him!
...And as much as I curse barney in all his annoying-ness (do they really have to sing the same songs they did back when I was a kid?) sometimes I find myself giving him praises. ;-)
I wish I had answers. If anyone else does I'd love to hear it!
Two words: Blues Clues! Peyton will be glued for a good half hour and this is when I shower. Nap time is usually when I clean and do laundry. I will even shower at night before I go to bed. I am terrified to have two because I'm sure my plans are about the change. Good luck Kayla!
Oh sweet Kayla, as mothers we give so much and that giving never ends. I hit that point often when I feel like there is no more of me to give. I go on strike from the never ending laundry, dishes, and picked up toys. I only have 1, but he requires so much of me that I get exhausted. But, I love him to death and so I keep going. Some things that I have had to implement: play dates so the kids can play and I can chat with my friends. I love going to the park or even McDonalds. Once a month is girls night/day out where we go out and just have fun. Whether its the movies, bowling, dinner, or games. This really really helps me. I believe in order to be a good mother I have to take care of myself every once in a while. Everyday I try to do something for me. Like playing the piano, doing family history, indexing, or watching a mindless show.
Take a deep breath because you are an excellent person. I remember the moment that Brian looked at you and thought there should be something more. (Make sure he reminds you of that too.)
I totally hear you, Kayla. Being a mom is harder than I ever imagined! And you don't really realize how much time it requires and how much you have to sacrifice until you are a full-blown mommy. It's rough. I'm still trying to figure out schedules. It was way easy with just Lilimae. Kind of hard with Lincoln, but we got it when he got a little older. And now it's way hard now that Christian's here. I know I need to start feeding him at the same times and putting him down for naps at the same times every day now that he's three months old, but we have been so crazy busy I haven't even had time to think about it. He still goes to bed when we do (late!) and naps wherever we are hanging out around the house.
This weekend Michael has been sick with the flu (as in influenza) and his parents are here (thank goodness!) and getting the kids ready for bed last night was a nightmare. Lilimae pooped in her underwear, they splashed a gallon of water on the bathroom floor during their bath, Lincoln spit out his ham (that he was STILL chewing on from dinner) on the bathroom rugs, and Lilimae was screaming by the time their bath was over because Lincoln poured water on her face. Fun times.
Sometimes I seriously wonder what on earth I'm doing. Lately, we have literally had to take it one day at a time. Moving and new jobs are tough. I'm still trying to figure out when to shower; my kids still watch at least two movies every day; and I haven't exercised for a year. I SO know what you mean about taxing. And I don't feel selfless enough to be a mother, either. I've always wanted a big family, too. Some days I still do, and some day's I can't believe I have three. I think prayer is what gets me through most days. That and taking a deep breath many, many times. And I can't get to caught up in tomorrow or next week. One day at a time, one day at a time. :)
Oh and Lilimae won't nap anymore. Lincoln naps sometimes, off and on. I'm OK with Lilimae not napping because she will play quietly during Lincoln's nap time. But if he doesn't nap, he is just noisy and makes a mess. He naps way better in a crib than his toddler bed, that's for sure. And Lilimae was never cranky for missing a nap; Lincoln totally is! They share a room and we always try and get them to bed by 7:30, but most nights they aren't asleep by 8:30 or 9. It drives me nuts! But like Bethany said, playing outside lately has really helped them sleep better. Getting out of the house is good for kids. Whenever my kids are going through phases, I just try and brainstorm different ideas or things to try. It's hard when they are not predictable and get thrown off by sickness, schedule changes, daylight savings, etc. But I just have to go with the flow and try different things. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. And sometimes I just have to come to terms that things are going to be different and I try to force myself to adjust. It's never easy, but it's a lot better than fighting or dreading it. Good luck and hang in there!! :)
I'm going to be like Bethany and comment a third time. :) I know what you mean about feeling like you do the same thing EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. with no break. It feels especially long when you're dealing with sickness or something like that. I thrive on schedules and routine, and so do my kids, and I feel like I can't live without it. But sometimes it gets so mundane. And I also get overwhelmed and feel like I'm competing with myself when I get really motivated to get up early and keep up with chores and do fun things with my kids, because it never lasts forever. There's always a burn-out period after a while. Why is this??
Oh, Kayla. I only have one little one but I still have days where I feel overwhelmed in this way. I admire your honesty because it seems like most of us don't admit that we struggle because we think we should love every minute. But I dont think we are expected to love every single moment and I think it's okay to admit that we have bad days or weeks or months. Again, I only have one so I can't entirely empathize with your situation but here are a couple of things to think of:
- Livie goes through phases of not taking naps, too. Those days are not so fun because she is impossible when she doesn't get a nap. However, I always put her in her room and close the door, even if she doesn't sleep. My sister-in-law, who had two kids, always makes sure her oldest gets "quiet time" while the baby sleeps. He doesn't nap but they have a system worked out for him to know how long he has to stay in his room for quiet time. Maybe that could work for David?
- Blues Clues and Baby Singing Time are how I get my showers. I don't like to let her watch a lot but if I need a minute for myself, the show goes on.
- I've found that Livie gets bored easily. I'm sure it's a toddler thing. Ive started looking for things she enjoys, like coloring, helping me bake, taking a walk, or playing with something that's "off limits" and rotating them. She has dishes that are her own, her own key board and remote control and those things help.
- I never get through a day without praying a lot. I'm sure you do that already. But I remind myself that life is long and these moments and days sometimes seem long but they'll be over fast. Keeping that perspective sometimes gets me through long days.
- I give up a lot. I choose not to clean the toys or do the dishes because I need a break. I usually figure a slightly messy house is worth a ten minute break.
- Sorry I can't really be of help to you. I do hope you can figure something out so you dont feel so overwhelmed. You're a wonderful person and a great mom.
Oh, and as for that big family: give yourself some time. Even just thinking of adding more babies to your mix probably just stresses you out. Go ahead and take one day at a time - and one kid at a time as you feel you can handle it. I don't know any woman who dreams of a large family when they've got two younguns under foot and I think that's just fine. A dear sister in my ward who is pregnant with her eighth child has said that she was only able to handle all those children one at a time. Best of luck getting into a routine that works for all of you! We love ya!
I miss you Kayla! I don't feel like I am the mother of many, but I know your struggles. Kids are tough...it seems like once we get something figured out at our house, the kids have moved on to a different phase/stage. Just keep on keepin' on and know that some days, I just fake it 'til I make it ;)
Reading the other comments, a lot of people have given good advice. I am impressed with the fact that you were able to get them to take a nap at the same time in the afternoon. Sometimes I can get both my little guys to take a nap, other times they rotate because Dax will take a long morning nap and then it is Lukes nap time by the time Dax wakes up and those always seem to be the days I really needed to go to the store in between naps! Anyways, I think you are doing a good job from the little I know from reading your blog. The only thing I can say is I read a blog by a women with a large family. She was posting in response to all the ” how do you do it?!” Comments. Something she says that gave me a little hope is that she said as they grow up they become her helpers. She has the older ones change diapers and things so she didn't have to do EVERYTHING. I have been asking Luke to help me more. Now that he is getting to a point where he understands more and can physically do what I ask I tell him to get me a diaper just so he can practice helping. He can't do a lot yet though and I get burned out a lot with the never ending house work and poopy, diapers and one high energy toddler and somewhat clingy 7 month old. I too have found it helps so much when I can set up trips to the park with friends or women in my ward with kids the same age. I get overwhelmed when I think of all the things that have to get done ask the time and sometimes it helps me feel good to write down a few things I want to accomplish just so I can mark them off haha. Anyway, I hope you find the help you need, keep praying and you will be blessed with what you need most.
Keep pushing nap time with David! I promise it will come back! Call it quiet time, if that makes you feel better, but kids go in and out of napping and it feels like it is time to be over, but not until they are almost 5....seriously!
Take him out and let him run off a lot of energy for like 15 min before nap time and he will be ready for it! Especially with the heat you have there! Or use the time between Nathans naps and before Davids to run errands. Go to the store or whatever. Usually getting out of the house makes them come home ready for a snooze.
You are doing SUCH a good job Kayla! As your kids get older they will be easier to reason with and that makes a huge difference!
I would also say, take every opportunity to do something for yourself....or by yourself! In fact, save the grocery store for a certain evening. Let's say Tuesday or whatever works. Then let Brian know that every Tuesday evening you are going to the store or to do something else fun...walk, shop, dinner with a friend, whatever! Then you will start to live for your night off and it will make all the difference!
Other than that....hang in there! It gets different. Not always better, depending on the stage, but difference is sometimes all it takes! :) THEN it gets better! Little ones are hard. Especially the kids coming now. They HAVE to be strong little spirits! They just need a whole lot of direction! :)
OH, one last thing....go easy on yourself! You are doing better than you think you are! You are doing far better than I did! The work is unrelenting, but you obviously are doing a good job! Look at you happy little boys! They are so quick to smile and THAT is the evidence you need to know you are doing enough!
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