Did you know the pronunciation guide in the dictionary for unique is seriously "yoo-neek"? I love that.
I sat down to post something non-motherhooddy but here I am and all I can think of is this:
I have read a handful of blogs today, all Mormon mothers that stay home with their children. And I could have been the author of any of the posts I read. Mostly they talked about the struggles and triumphs of our (Mormon mothers) situation: choosing to stay home with the kids rather than pursue a career.
I like to think of myself as someone that had a promising career (I had fabulous grades in college, I studied music and communication which both intersted me, I had a great internship that could have possibly landed me a great job). But instead of pursuing that career I chose to start a family and followed the teaching of my church which is that mothers, where possible, should be home with their children instead of putting them in another's care.
But I don't recall making that choice. I don't know that I ever even considered the alternative which is that I put my kids in day care, or maybe just didn't have any children. When I met Brian and got married it was a given. We didn't even think about another scenario. We started our family when we knew I could graduate from college, Brian got his education and got a job.
I wonder if it is like that on the flip-side. I wonder if most women (I'm talking non-mormons here) get their job and earn money because it is just the norm. It is a given. And maybe in the thick of the demands of their job, when they come home tired and stressed, they ever realize they could choose to live a completely different life, one where they have children and care for them at home.
Maybe when I have a really hard day and I wish for a different scenario, one where I have a career, there is a woman on the other side of the fence that wants what I have?
I guess what I'm saying is that you have to find happiness with what you've got. Even though on those hard, tiring days, I think I would possibly enjoy a career more than staying at home with my kids, the fact is, I probably wouldn't be.
When I read all these other blogs I don't feel lonely. I know EXACTLY what and how the other stay-at-hom moms are feeling. In fact, I'm amazed at how my situation is anything but unique.
It is when I think about myself compared to most women my age in the world that I feel unique. Really I shouldn't even be married yet, let alone have two children by the world's standards. The uniqueness comes by that comparison.
Not too long ago Brian and I had a small reception at a nice restaurant with the Houston Camerata, a choir we were both in at the time. We sat across from another couple that was probably in their fifties. They both had very busy, accomplished lives. They had no children. In fact, they were surprised to find that we had two children. They even asked if we were Catholic (when we told them we were Mormon they had no response). Probably they didn't grow up in big families. Maybe even they didn't have any siblings. They, like me, probably followed the examples of their parents, which for them was pursuing a career. They probably didn't even realize they had a choice.
Even though I never really gave much thought to life outside of being a stay at home mom, I'm still happy with what I have. I know that I could go get a job if I wanted one or felt like that was a better thing for my family, but for now, I'm sticking with being unique.
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2 years ago
6 comments:
matts mom always worked outside the home so me and him have talked about it MANY times. He is even planning on moving somewhere where i could get a good job too. He still struggles with me staying home with owen. for me it was always a given, but for him he always assumed his wife would work. SO WEIRD! he still thinks i should work when our kids are old enough to be in school. we will figure that out wehn the time comes :) i just recently read a chapter from the marriage adn family relations paticipants book from the church and it talked about the fathers responsibility and how important it is for mothers to stay home :) im glad to have prophets to refer back to when we have these discussions!
Kayla,
Just read through your blog and LOVE all the thoughts you have been sharing. I have been a mom for 5 months now -wahoo! and look up to girls like you who have been at it for longer and who actually take care of 2, I can even imagine having 2 right now! Keep up the good work!
Love,
Kylie
This is an interesting post for me to be reading right now as Clara sits in my lap and we "watch" Dora. I'm never content just sitting and watching. I have to do something. And I wonder if part of that stems from our upbringing like you said. I never really thought of that before.
My mom always worked. Dennis' mom stayed home with the kids until they were all in school and she went back to teaching. I think she did a lot of babysitting and things like that but she was home with the kids. When I talk with Dennis about "the plan" I think it is his expectation for me to take care of the kids and then work and earn a decent income when they are in school. I am okay with that, if I could ever figure out what I want to "do" that actually produces an income.
I can't explain why I'm not content just staying home. It's not because it's not enough work (Haha!) It's hard work, and I have a hard time with it. I don't enjoy cooking. I don't enjoy cleaning. I'm not a baby-whisperer by any means. I feel like I am good at so many things, but not the things that really matter as a good wife and mom. It is a constant effort to forget about my shortcomings and focus on the good in each day... To play with the girls and not feel like I should be doing something else.
Especially now as I consider a super part-time job next year that would put my girls in daycare 2 hours a day, I am conflicted. My head tells me that this would actually be a good thing for us. I could feel accomplished in some small way and feel better about my physical self. The girls could get some outside interaction and structure (something we seriously lack around my house. Clara LOVES things like nursery and our kindermusic class we took last fall. Is it weird that money isn't really my consideration in this? Shouldn't it be? I would love to do it if it didn't pay a dime. I want to do it that badly. Is that crazy? I'm torn because I'm supposed to stay home, right? I can, so I should, right? My excited anticipation of this "work" opportunity makes me feel conflicted because I feel like I should do it.
My friend posted this on her blog recently:
"I have just two things to say to you who are troubled about the future. I say them lovingly and from my heart. First, we must never let fear and the father of fear (Satan himself) divert us from our faith and faithful living. Every person in every era has had to walk by faith into what has always been some uncertainty. This is the plan. Just be faithful. God is in charge. He knows your name and He knows your need.
Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ—that is the first principle of the gospel. We must go forward. God expects you to have enough faith, determination, and trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing. He expects you not simply to face the future; He expects you to embrace and shape the future—to love it, rejoice in it, and delight in your opportunities.
God is eagerly waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can’t if you don’t pray, and He can’t if you don’t dream. In short, He can’t if you don’t believe."
--Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
I had to look up the reference. Looks like it came from this talk: Jeffrey R. Holland, “This, the Greatest of All Dispensations,” Ensign, Jul 2007, 52–58
Anyway, I'm feeling a little in the dark about what I should do. Mostly, I can't interpret my own feelings and impressions. Maybe I'm not supposed to know EVERYTHING for a certainty. Maybe I need to have a little faith (maybe even some faith in myself that I can make good decisions for me and my family? That is a hard thing.)
I don't know. But I sure am rambling a lot. This has taken me hours to write... (nap times, lunch times, diaper changes, play doh, you know the drill...) Thanks for your posts. You're awesome.
Wahoo! I was so excited to see a new post. I have missed reading your blog. You have such a talent with writing. I loved today's post. I have thought a lot about the women who work, never once realizing that it too was something they were just accustomed too. Thanks for all the insights you bring to me!
I've also been thinking about this a lot. I've also come to the conclusion that the grass is always greener. I always think to myself all the things I wish were different so THEN I could be happy, but in reality if all those things were the way I wanted them I'd STILL find something to complain about. We're going to have challenges and trials, so the real question for me is "do I want my own trials right now or somebody elses?" and my conclusion, after much introspection and honesty, is always my own trials. Mine aren't so bad, I guess. It could always be worse. I don't know if that's the direction you were taking your post but that's what I got out of it. thanks for your insights. I always love them.
Wow thank you ALL so much for your kind words! It really truly made my day. After I wrote this I just about deleted it, becuase I was worried how it would be interpreted (this is my thought after ever post I write, pretty much) You've motivated me to just keep things honest! I know that commenting on blogs can be a bit of a process so I just feel so loved that you would each take time to leave such heartfelt words!
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